Grief

Grief is an inherent aspect of the human experience, and it manifests differently for each individual. Recently, I have been confronted with my first encounter with grief, prompting me to reflect on various aspects of my life.

I have realized that I never truly allowed myself to grieve the loss of my childhood, the theft of my innocence, or the absence of a traditional family structure. These unaddressed emotions have left me pondering about my capacity to cope with grief in other situations.

For instance, I contemplated how I might feel if my abuser were to pass away. In all likelihood, I would experience a complex mix of emotions, including relief and joy. Relief would stem from the prospect of never having to encounter that individual again, thereby ceasing the suffering, both physical and emotional, that I endured. There would also be a sense of satisfaction in knowing that justice had been served and that my children would be spared from ever meeting him.

This led me to consider how I might react when my adoptive parents eventually pass away. Similar feelings of relief and joy might emerge, but they would be accompanied by a persistent sense of bewilderment. I would never receive closure from them regarding their unwavering support for my abuser and apparent indifference toward my well-being.

The thought of discovering the passing of my birth parents also crossed my mind. Would I regret not having the opportunity to meet them in a way that I could remember? If this news brought the revelation of additional blood relatives, I wondered about the choices I would need to make.

Lastly, I contemplated the profound sorrow that would accompany the loss of someone deeply cherished in my life, such as one of my children or close friends. The recent passing of a dear friend, who had become increasingly significant in my life, stirred up feelings of resistance and the inclination to shield myself from forming close relationships, as I associated them with the inevitability of grief. With his passing, I found myself contemplating the reasons behind his premature departure from this world. I questioned whether there were additional measures I could have undertaken to assist him in alleviating his stress and whether my role as a friend had been truly supportive. Our friendship was characterized by an open and honest dynamic, one in which we both embraced candid conversations and offered unfiltered perspectives.

Experiencing his passing was my first encounter with such profound loss, and the impact it had on me was far more intense than I could have anticipated. It's possible that this heightened reaction was a culmination of various emotions, including my motivation to rejoin the color guard, which had been driven by a desire to reconnect with a past activity I loved. Losing Craig felt like not only losing a dear friend but also jeopardizing my deep connection to an activity that I hold in high regard.

In conclusion, grief is a complex and individualized emotional journey that forces us to confront the past, present, and future in unique ways and I don't know how I will react with grief in the future.