Depression

In my upcoming series of posts, I will delve into the topics of Depression, Anxiety, and Stress.

Six months ago, I made the decision to rekindle my passion for an activity I adored during my youth, Color Guard. Back when I lived at home, I was deeply involved in both drum corps and color guard for a total of eight years. However, when I left my family's home, I didn't even contemplate returning to the world of color guard.

In recent years, I began reconnecting with individuals from the drum corps and color guard community on social media. Their posts about color guard reignited my desire to rejoin the sport. As a hint of fate, I noticed that I would unconsciously spin my softball bat during games, a clear sign that I longed to return to color guard. In 2018, I came close to joining OktoberCorps, but prior commitments to a softball tournament prevented me from doing so.

While softball had served as a valuable escape and physical activity, it didn't fill the void left by color guard. Rejoining Color Guard seemed to trigger a resurgence of my past experiences, prompting me to start this blog. I believed it was time to share my story, as it might help others understand why I occasionally break down in tears, emotionally shut down, or distance myself mentally.

Depression has cast a dark shadow over various periods of my life, leading me to feel overwhelmingly helpless, weak, isolated, ashamed, defective, and burdened with self-blame. My sense of safety and trust in others eroded, leaving me perpetually anxious about how people would react if I disclosed my story, especially considering past negative experiences when I had shared. I consistently feared that revealing my childhood experiences would change how others perceived and judged me. Consequently, I downplayed what I had endured, keeping it a closely guarded secret. However, this self-imposed silence deprived me of the support I needed and reinforced my status as a victim, impeding my healing process.

If you have experienced any form of abuse or trauma, it is likely that you have encountered depression to some degree.

So, what exactly is depression? Depression is an illness that profoundly affects your emotional state, thought processes, and behavior. It induces feelings of profound sadness and a loss of interest in once-enjoyable activities. While societal attitudes toward mental illness have evolved, the stigma attached to it can discourage individuals with depression from seeking help, causing them to suffer in silence, as I did. It is not uncommon for individuals with depression to also experience symptoms of anxiety (in fact, 50% of people with depression also exhibit anxiety symptoms).

Several factors may render someone more susceptible to depression, including a family history of depression, recent life events (such as job loss or chronic illness), or a history of past trauma or abuse.

If you identify with four or more of the following symptoms for an extended period of more than two weeks, it is advisable to consult with a medical professional:

• Disturbed sleep patterns, either sleeping excessively or suffering from insomnia.

• Significant fluctuations in weight, whether gaining or losing.

• Exhibiting extreme restlessness or lethargy.

• Overwhelming feelings of sadness or irritability, or a combination of both.

• Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, including work, social interactions, and hobbies.

• Impaired concentration and decision-making abilities.

• Persistent negative thoughts, anxiety, feelings of entrapment, and an inability to take action.

• Overwhelming guilt, worthlessness, and despair.

• A notable decline in energy levels and pervasive fatigue.

• Suicidal thoughts, including ideation and planning.

• Emotional numbness, characterized by an emptiness inside.

• Unexplained and chronic physical pain and discomfort.